i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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