You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
