when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
