help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
