when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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