Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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