I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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