Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
