im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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