I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
