Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i was born a porn star she said
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
