I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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