Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
