Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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