I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I want her autograph on my taint
As shirtless as possible
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
