hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
