Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
