I'm jealous of your bromance
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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