the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
