My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
