there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
