I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
