He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
