The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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