Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
