oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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