My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
