He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.