Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
