how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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