either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
