So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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