you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
