I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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