i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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