to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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