he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
