I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
