why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
