i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
