I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you didnt know i had herpes?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
