DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We need to feng shui this bitch.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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