If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
