Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
