I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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