Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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