You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
