Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
