Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
