You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
