I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
