when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
