I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
