I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
