I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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