those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
