my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
