first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
